Caring for Your Online Introvert

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Peep Show by Playlab

I was just rereading Jonathan Rauch’s 2003 essay for the Atlantic, Caring for Your Introvert. Incidentally, this article was one of the first to spread through the nascent blogosphere (remember Blogdex? It was on the top of that list for weeks…IIRC.) One part stuck out as a charmingly dusty:

Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially “on,” we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: “I’m okay, you’re okay—in small doses.”

Now of course, an introvert is just as likely to play with his phone, using it as a social shield (Don’t talk to me while I’m sitting here alone at the bar, waiting for my friend.)

But have we changed? Social media drains me like a large party might. I just deactivated Facebook. And I don’t @ much on Twitter. Too often it feels like the “fog of [an extrovert's] 98-percent-content-free talk,” as Rauch put it.

I’m an introvert and an online introvert. A hard INTP, (which I think would be the most likely Myers-Briggs type for someone introverted in both spheres.) This doesn’t mean i don’t see the value of social media. I just use it my own way.

I know a lot of introverts who are online extroverts, which is perfectly reasonable. Maybe they see social media as a shortcut for getting necessary small talk — how’s the new job? where are you moving? – out of the way. And then there are extroverts who are online introverts. They really don’t have time for Twitter or Facebook — too busy partying with friends or talking on the phone or other social activities, to sit at a desk and type.

About the time I deactivated my Facebook account, I came across this essay by Carmen Joy King about why she did the same:

Ironically, the decision to destroy my carefully built-up virtual image came as a result of wanting to enhance my profile. All that particular week I’d been hungry for new quotes on my page, something to reflect the week I’d been having: something introspective. I perused a quotes website and found this one attributed to Aristotle:

“We are what we repeatedly do.”

I became despondent. What, then, was I? If my time was spent changing my profile picture on Facebook, thinking of a clever status update for Facebook, checking my profile again to see if anyone had commented on my page, Is this what I am? A person who re-visits her own thoughts and images for hours each day? And so what do I amount to? An egotist? A voyeur?

We are what we repeatedly do. I tried really hard to be one of those people who responds to every email, every @, every comment on this blog. I just can’t do it. Any expectation of me to act differently feels like the pressure I feel for acting standoffish with people I just meet.

The other day, I overheard a woman tell her friend about her young niece:

“She’s really outgoing…”
“That’s so much better.”
“Right. So much cuter.”

I thought of my own failure to live up to the prevailing definition of cuteness as a child. The grownups who couldn’t understand why this seven year old wanted to curl under a tree with her notebook rather than play dodgeball, let alone never ordered the whole family and all of their friends into the living room to watch her tap dance and sing. If I ever have a daughter, and if she should disappoint the world for never having a snappy comeback or wanting to play peek-a-boo with strangers in the park; not only will I think that’s adorable, I will encourage and reward such decidedly uncute behavior.

Of course, part of this has to do with shifting expectations of femininity. Society is largely uneasy with women who enjoy ideas, and even more so, those who enjoy time alone. We can size up a good hostess in an instant, but a wallflower requires effort that many are unwilling to initiate.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m mean or that I don’t care. Usually, if I don’t respond to something it’s because I don’t think I have anything worthwhile to say.

Social media is like a party. It facilitates meeting new people, and fosters casual acquaintances rather than deep friendships. Most of us communicate with best friends over email and instant messages instead.

I am probably revealing my bias in this post. Most of my favorite people are introverts and introverts are certainly my…sexual preference. A lot of people who are awkward in those moments you’re waiting in queue for a movie or deciding where to eat dinner, have come through for me in times when I’ve needed someone. And a lot of people who seem to radiate from within, just wouldn’t make it to the point of the conversation where I’d reveal whatever it was that might be troubling me.

My line between friendship and acquaintanceship is this: if I’m ever in a hospital will this person take time out of his day to come to see me? I can’t say I count on but a dozen or so followers on Twitter. And how often they @ me isn’t a measure of it.

Previously: Movies to See Alone

Posted by Joanne on May. 11, 2010 Tagged: , , , , , ,

  • Joanne, I totally support your argument that too much social media is draining, particularly for introverts and contemplative types.

    However, I would add that in my experience, after learning to use social media in a more focused way, I find that there is little superficial communication going on and in many respects, I actually prefer the more public forum than I do email, as it fosters a different kind of dialogue and facilitates sharing one's understanding with as many people who are interested as possible. For my internet subculture, i.e., Buddhist meditators, blogging, etc., has become a part of our practice -- learning how to be in virtual relationship to one another, to speak with kindness and wisdom, to watch intention when we engage in online activity. Just another aspect to consider!

    Hope you get to do the panel at SXSW. Voted and shared.

    Editing to add: I think Carmen Joy King's reflections are ones that relate to the whole idea of intention. We can engage in social media for the right reasons and for the wrong reasons. Avoidance may be the most skillful means if the reasons are all wrong and we've developed bad habits, but there is another way too. And that's really consciously reflecting on every action we take and why - it's something useful to do in real life too, of course...
  • Facebook is certainly good for business, but from a personal perspective I remain undecided. There's a real mix of positive and negative there for me. Better privacy controls would help.

    I must say, your article was food for thought. I'm definitely an introvert, however socially adept I can be at times. This I knew, but I'd never thought about my sexual preference in terms of introvert/extrovert. Hmmm...
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  • I actually love Facebook because I can "check in" and talk to people on my time-table, and without having long phone convos, which I hate!

    I just started a whole new website a few days ago focused on Introverts, and inspired in part by the very article you referred to. I hope you'll check it out and let me know what you think...maybe even add me to your blogroll. :) ~Parker

    www.introvertsencyclopedia.com
  • nanfischer
    Oh my god! I feel the same way about the hospital thing! A true true true friend who loves you no matter what will come visit you in the hospital. Our friends aren't on Twitter. For real.
  • Noah Yetter
    I disagree. Use of social media further *enables* us introverts (INTJ, myself). It makes it extremely easy to maintain shallow or long-distance friendships. I use Facebook as a substitute for calls, emails, IMs, and facetime with friends I otherwise wouldn't speak to at all (because of the difficulty I have reaching out). Social media is NOT a place to meet new people. Why would you friend someone you don't know, especially as an introvert? It seems like lunacy. Twitter is different of course, followers/followed != friends. Why would you feel the need to respond to every @? It's not expected. The internet is the perfect place for introverts because it puts us in control. We get to have exactly as much social interaction as we want, and no more. Retreat to the real world? Madness.
  • Myers-Briggs... It has 4 more outcomes than astrology, so it must be 33% more useful!
  • I am always concerned about labels defining us before we have a chance to go beyond the label and discover something new. If "introvert" is a label that applies to me, it is because I feel comfortable in my own skin, I like being alone because it is natural to the way I am.

    Yet I also recognize that one learns most by learning from people who are different than you. If I treat the word "introvert" as a flow of information, then the introvert flow allows me to separate the external noise of the world and touch meaning in a way that requires far more personal time and touch.

    There are people who learn better in life when they are connected to social time and their touch is based on an extrovert flow of information. It is just a different way we see the world, but it is a difference which requires appreciation because without it, we don't come close to seeing the whole.

    I see Lethe has commented here. I have chosen to observe both of Lethe's profiles "escapeintolife" and "blogofinnocence" in my @MarkZorro Twitter profile because the nature of my introverted flow of information means that the nutrition I gain from observing works on me that suits my life observing and information consuming style.

    Even this comment I write alone because I enjoy thinking about my thinking - because I am open to transform and change it because I like to determine sense making. I prefer not to be "conditioned" by media though we are all conditioned one way or another.

    I believe that one introvert is as different as another introvert as much as their DNA coding is. Yet we are more than just four letters whether they are A C G T or a Myers Brigg code - we are that matter that is unknown and that combines mysteriously in a way that makes neuroscience acknowledge that it does not know much about the human mind - that we are at the beginning of this journey.

    The introvert flow of information observes mystery, the extrovert flow of information shares mystery. It is quite marvelous that we have all been equipped with this difference. IMHO diversity is a richer idea than destiny but no matter what I learn on my own personal journey (which is why I am writing this also), there must always be an horizon of mystery that we can never reach.

    I enjoyed thinking and mulling about this and I enjoyed most of all that there was not a single person in the room to influence or distract me from my thoughts as I did. That is not who I am, but merely the best reflection of who I know myself to be.

    Now please do leave me alone with these thoughts of mine :-)

    [Em]
  • Excellent essay . . . I whole-heartedly agree, mainly from a very similar experience I was having with social media, and the web in general. It got to the point where my life revolved around the Internet, and I felt completely hollow.

    No matter how much output we do in social media, no matter how large out Internet presence is, there is something definitely lacking there.

    I'm an introvert as well. The terms "introvert" and "extrovert" however don't exactly describe the human experience. It's more complicated than that. I have a lot of extrovert qualities, and yet I feel very much an introvert at heart. And my lifestyle is very introverted.

    Anyways, I enjoyed the post, the way you rounded the topic, and then discussed your own personal feelings. Sincere and thought-provoking.

    Lethe
  • Guest
    Excellent closing point. We should cherish the people we can count on. We still may use the extroverts for entertainment and day-to-day engagement, but let's be sure to foster ongoing relationships with those priceless people who will actually follow through when needed.
  • theredheadsaid
    this makes me feel better.
    But, what if you're BOTH an introvert and extrovert? I'm one of those people who if left alone too long slowly goes insane, and I often figure out what I think about something when I'm talking about it to someone.
    BUT I also get ENOUGHed when I socialize too much.
  • I'm reminded of a scene in Jane Campion's 1990 movie, Angel At My Table. The (fat male) therapist tells the young, bookish Janet Frame that, when someone tells her to "go out and mix," she has the right to refuse. It's a revelation for her... just knowing that there exists a structure in the minds of even a few other people in which her lack of interest in socializing is acceptable.

    This also makes me think of the obsession that some people have with maintaining eye contact. When I look directly into someone's eyes, I sometimes feel so much intuitive information about that person coming across that I can't concentrate on what either of us is saying. Once in a while, I meet someone who actually has to close their eyes in order to communicate certain thoughts, and I find that comforting.
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